Saturday, 29 August 2009

An Ode to Hate

A regular feature:

When writing an essay, it is advised that you refrain from talking in the first person where possible. It makes for clumsy reading and may undermine the point you are trying to make. When writing an article, it is adviseble that you talk in the first person when needed, but without coming across as self-centred. When you're a voiceover character on a Cable television show, the more you talk about yourself, the better. The more you talk about what you had for breakfast; where you were on a particular day; who you particularly fucked; empowers you. And draws away from the fact that you are a total cock.

Ladies and gays.

She is clingy. Needy. Self-obsessed.
And a cheat.
People always forget that.
Carrie Bradshaw.

So here is one of my favourite 'I FUCKING HATE YOU' moments:

1. The one where she turns up in 'le' beret and a cringe-fest ensues.

Thinking she's 'le' hillarious,
bitch bounces in like a total 'le' douche-bag, thinking she's Queen of 'le' world,
and throws a perfectly good big mac at 'le' Big. BigMac fans of the world unite in my hate.
He should have cut her out of his life whilst he still had the chance. Aggressive behaviour from a partner should never be tolerated.
She chucked a big mac.
She should of been chucked for 'le' good.

Notice how annoying my use of 'Le' is.
Now imagine a Bitch in a red dress and a beret.

Put the two together.
Welcome to Discomfort.

"If things get real bad i'll move to Paris and write Le Sex and Le City."
Things were real bad, gal.


Wednesday, 26 August 2009

An Ode to Woolf, Hermes and PDSA

Look at the below shoes. Take the wings off, they'd be perfect.
They are perfect. I have seen them wingless.
Wings on, they look like a ty-beanie-baby/ugg-boot cross-breed.
Stay well clear of Winged Shoes.
Even if the Stymester is wearing them.

I'll never forget him/ the leader of the pack

Clarissa Dalloway is my role model, for she is a whizz around London and good at getting-things-done. Read Mrs Dalloway. Virginia Woolf. It won't take you long.

Rule number 1:
if you spend £120 in Charity Shops over three days, you are allowed to write about it. More on this later. I await my sister's return from her friend's house to play Moss and Bailey and go overboard with the Digicam.