Monday, 1 February 2010

Westboro Baptist Church vs Twitter


Shirley Phelps vs Twitter
The GOD HATES FAGS went to Twitter, in sunny, sunny San Fran', home of everything and anything weird. Trust me, if there's a fetish you want to fulfil, go there.
Those beautiful Californians, with their speedy sign-making skills, were quick to retort back.




This is only one of a myriad of signs.
Go here to see the rest, my flying monkies.









That is all.

Love Hate Relationship

A wonderful new age is upon us. For a few months this year, when the planets align and the moon is at its fullest, there will be a time when Topman won't just be stocking photocopied basics, only bothering to alter the colour settings, avoiding what has fast became crasswalk rather than catwalk.

With the opening of a lovely new Topman in a lovely (!) new part of Eldon Square, this means a wider range of clothes than the cooker of a Topman with the annoying stairs which we already have at our disposal.


This is the iten to which my main lust is focussed. I doubt i'd wear it anywhere other than the beach, but still. I rarely go to the beach, but still. I'll look like a rookie superhero, but still.



This hot mess of a jacket is perfect. Because sometimes, I like to pretend i'm James Dean. Or just someone cooler than myself.



Ever since i was a young warthog, i've been obsessed with tying my shoe laces. Sometimes, i do it several times a day. In Primary school, i used to sit behind the girls with the longest hair and braid it for them. I was one of the early metro-sexuals, a founding member of the County Durham Pre-Metsexualite Movement. I was not gay. I longed for my mother to have the courage to send me into a den of pedophiles so i could learn how to tie knots like only the best scout leader could.
I wear clothes. Everyday.
Sometimes, i even wear two layers.
So, with me clearly in mind, Topman/Lens have paired my two hobbies together, clothes and knots, in this fantiestic blend of the two.



I don't know if i rate this checked mess very much. But i have a shirt and a scarf in the same pattern which i think would look pretty god damn fucking fly, motherheffers. I'd be an optical illusion even Escher would be jealous of, i'm sure.



The biggest challenge of this decade has been the feminine connotations with a jumpsuit. I've tried to hurdle them myself, but ended up looking like a failed, flailing drag queen at best. But now, a new age is upon us. Sir Philip has commissioned the answer.
And the answer is 'The Boiler Suit'.
(I really want to comment on how baggy, shapeless and messy it all looks. But i'm going to refrain because i'd quite like one)



Some Videos Which May Cause Death By Dangerous Eff, You and Enn-ing:

There's this new film coming out. Are you following this? In which Michael Cera seems to spend most of it semi-dressed, playing an awkward teen. I know you're following now. There's this program in America where the stars are usually semi-dressed, living out their Jersey Shore dreams. You don't have to follow the last bit. But i'd rather you did, d-bags.
Jersey Shore meets Michael Cera:


Some Pictures of a Boy That May Replace Ash Stymest as the apple of my eye will follow...


Sunday, 31 January 2010

Car Boot

Every Sunday morning, somewhere near Stanley, in the deathly cold county of Durham, there happens a car boot sale of epic proportions. Obviously, the apocalyptic weather that has plagued us of recent has had a negative effect on the quality of this here gathering of bargain hunters. Although not the best location in which i've CBd in (for that award goes to the Hexham CB sale, which sprawled through an indoor cattle market), it's the size of three and a half football pitches and it the only thing i'll ever be able to wake up before ten o'clock for and happy about it. I wake up knowing that Paul Smith had me in mind when he wrote 'Our Velocity'.

On the way out, me and @ministrats like to buy a plastic bag for a mere pound and fill it with whatever little junken gems we find. Today's gem of the day was a book called 'The Universal Home Guide', published just after the Second World War.
After reading the extract that follows, I realised that I have never grown out of my awkward teen phase:




And this towering building is the factory itself:



A man whose dead wife had a scissor fetish was trying to make a quick buck:



Since her death, he has noone to fulfil his fetish, so he'd brought his sexual paraphernalia along too:



I buy books i never read
In preparation for my library.
But when the going rate is fifty pence for a fistful, I simply can't say no. Even if they double the time it takes for me to get home.
What may look like an early attempt to produce Mills And Boon's men's range is not actually a dirty book at all.



-Some Videos to Fellate Your Eyes:

The gayest duet since Elton John and George Michael:



The moment Snookums a la Jersey Shore's career gets a head start (actual punch):



Patti Smith covers Smells Like Teen Spirit:


Saturday, 16 January 2010

Go North East


It is the second of January. And with this comes cold and, more arse fingeringly annoying, snow. I’m dreaming of a White Christmas. No.

This is a nightmare. It’s good to look at, yeah. But when you really want to get somewhere, the snow comes along and makes your bus ten minutes late. Then you panic and you wonder when is good to give up waiting. Heart races. Sweat drips. Breath pulsates.

And then, appearing from that corner of Lidl that leads to Wetherspoons, peers the Swift, the 45, the bus home. This is an ode to Go North East. Even in the shittest weather, in the town on the hills, this little bus slides on. Through all the lain snow and the freezing slush, on the little bugger chugs.

God loves the little engine that could.

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Guess Who...


He was on telly over christmas.
He's local.
He likes to dance.
(That last statement reminds me of Nicole Kidman.)




















It's Billy Elliot.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

An Ode to Bethlehem

'I remember that time someone found Mother Theresa in their pasty...'

I wish i could say that, more often than not, the papers I find my self reading are filled with images of Christian deities mysteriously, perhaps heavenly, placed within every day objects. I wish i could claim that this was because I read high-brow, middle-class or perhaps even intellectual rags. I don't.

Friends, nobles, countrymen...
a feast!


Of all things Holy.
And other things blasphemous.


Mother Theresa; a pastry miracle


I
believe the general consensus would have it that Old Momma T wasn't the most beautiful of humans ever to feed the poor. Whereas the Virgin Mary, a Middle Eastern teen, scores major
'artist's interpretation' points because Photography was unheard of in and around Bethlehem and the surrounding areas, Mother T's face is as easily googleable as Paris Hilton's sex tape. No one can argue she was as ugly as this Pastry depicts her. More of a flaky insult than a divine depiction of a modern day saint.



Chocolate Jesus; Cocoa, let us adore him
Yes. It's manufactured. But doesn't the quirky, tongue in cheek nature of Christ the Confection titillate a little? Yes. For about five minutes. The chocolate will probably taste American.
Like foreign smarties. Like cardboard. Or Holy Communion.
Apt.








What do you get when you cross Christmas Dinner with the Baby Jesus... literally?
NerdHurdles has the answer.
And it is meat based.







Pay close attention.
Ignore the salad.
Roast Carrots.
White and red meat
The head is made of Minced lamb and there's a swaddling blanket of swine.


God love Canadians with Humour.


Monday, 7 December 2009

An Ode by a Thomas Lonsdale

Virginia had walked this path repeatedly over the past month or so. Today, however, was to be her last. It was to be the last time she'd pass the glorious oak tree that she had once, hand in hand with her husband, strolled past and felt a wave of something ethereal engulf her soul. It was to be the last time she would breathe the sharp air of the Winter deep into every corner of her lungs as Boreas darted from the North. It was also the last time she'd ever shed a tear as she lamented over the cruelty of Nature. The natural world which, through eyes once so optimistic, now hoisted itself up to the gallows each Autumn and pulled the lever as the hangman only should, only to resurrect itself in order to die again. Mother Nature protected herself from the melancholic Winters in a way no human ever could. Human nature had grown so twisted that, twice now, it had turned on itself in a great mass of tear and bloodshed. More poignantly for the reader however, the Nature of Virginia's mind had stumbled ever so slightly on the never-ending road to genius. Never can something so small have so little effect as it can - and so often does- on the mind. She carried on towards the river.

She grew tired by now, so she sat on the bank to rest her legs, mind and heart. She spoke to herself aloud, telling herself that she was thankful for her husband, as a lone swan danced gracefully around the corner to the left of her. He had called her his 'Swan' in the early years of the marriage and the image had never left her. It was tattooed upon her heart, inked upon each vein. This happy haunting. This woman, like the swan, who was in public so mute, could embody such moments of beauty in times of silence. She'd never considered herself as any other bird. Her father had called all of his children his 'Geese', after the favourite Fairy Tale of the Stephen children, but Virginia had never considered herself a Goose. Whereas, as her Father told, the Geese had, and still continue, to hide from the Fox behind their prayers, Virginia tackled her Fox head on, unafraid of the consequences. As she plucked stones from the river bank, she noticed the swan's wing was maimed from one or another of Nature's cruelties, life's liquid daubed upon the pure, as in her head. She rose, unable to tolerate such thoughts that now swamped it, like scarlet red on white. Onward, she went, further downstream so that neither man nor beast nor thought could distract her from the oncoming inevitability.

Whilst the thoughts in her head often dwelled upon the horrors of grown men yearning to feel the blood of an opposition on their cold hands, the thoughts of her head fought harder and with more consequences than any War ever should. The longing to kill another was about survival. The longing to kill one's self was about death, escape and freedom from the self: a final, inevitable way out. She tried so hard, as she paced head on into a nipping breeze, to forget. As many others before her and many more since, she could not. She was the Swan, not the Goose. Her proudest attribute was about to lead her to her downfall.

And so, cold hands in warm pockets, Ms. Woolf reached the place she'd learn to fly. The river was no longer than any room of her own, but she knew it to be deeper here than in any part along the three mile stretch she had walked. The current there, as the folk said, was capable of dragging a grown man so far under that his body would whirl straight out to sea within three rises of the Sun. Part of her had wanted to ask if anything less would have happened if it were a grown woman. She had stayed mute. As she stood on the river bank, she could hear only the gentle 'coo' of a wood pigeon, goading her. She waited for her life to flash before her eyes. The life didn't appear. Her doctor. She thought of the note she'd wrote to her husband. Her right foot flew forward. She thought of him. Still nothing appeared. Still the pigeon went on. Hyde Park Gate and Godrevy Point flashed. But no life. Her breath increased. The screams of London's air raids. How happy he'd been on their wedding day. Still no sign of her life flashing anywhere. Her lungs scrabbled as if for one last mouthful soul. How his soul had comforted hers. She thought of the picture on the wall. Her London house burning. Motives for actions were nowhere to be found. She clenched her hands. For no one’s actions, ever. Her siblings and step-siblings. The picture of herself. The smell of her husband's duffle coat. The stones were cold, comforting. How the mind was capable of such alienation. And her Leonard. But what good were reasons or motives? And how she would be remembered. How cruel the Winters were. But the reasons were countless. Her left foot followed. She thought of the Swans and of the soul. She thought of how doomed the future could be, is or was. And she saw the Fox, the triumphant Fox.




But there, in the air, all was silent. The quiet of corporeal, of mind and of soul came forth. Virginia, myself, died right there, in the air. My soul left my body, escaped, as I had longed it to do for so long. Left to dance with the bloodied swan, on the river where I slept, and in the air, where forever, we'll fly.